The Not Enoughs

A little over two years ago I started out on this blogging journey. This blog was never meant to be just about education and education policy. However that is what it turned into, and I don't regret it at all. But for my two blogger birthday, I wanted to get back to the roots of the For the Love, why I started in the first place. To share the love that I have for the all the things around me, and all the things that make up my life.

For those that are only here for commentary on education or for some education policy, bare with me. You won't get that in this post, but maybe you will get my heart or the heart of for the love.

I'm a hot mess. Y'all, such a big giant huge hot mess. I mean did leave my underwear on the floor of the QuikTrip gas station. I have had strawberries on my ceiling from blender with no lid moment, and I have more than once started to make coffee with my Keurig and not have a coffee cup in place.

I have embraced all of these qualities about myself. All the quirky and oddball things about things. I have embraced them and loved them. I have prayed over it, and Jesus has blessed it. I'm sure He even laughs at me when I leave my undies on the floor of a QT or have coffee spilling all over my counter.

But there are parts of my life I haven't embraced. Parts that I struggle with, parts that I look in the mirror and I see a broken, and incomplete woman.

I am not enough. 

I am not effective enough.

I am not smart enough. 

I am not talented enough. 

I am not blogger superhero enough.

I am not enough. 

I have always struggled with these things. This is nothing new for me. I have had these struggles for years. FOR YEARS.

I have allowed these "not enoughs" in my life to affect every part of my life. Every relationship, every encounter, every job, and every fiber of my soul. These "not enoughs" have held me back and I have kept me from becoming the woman God I want to be, the daughter I want to be, the sister I want to be, the friend I want to be, the writer I want to be, and the teacher I want to be. I believed the lies I told myself.

Then others started to say I wasn't enough. Their deep cutting words, cut into the already bleeding wounds of the "not enoughs" that I had already built up in my head. Here is the thing about how we think about ourselves. We eventually start to believe and live out the lies that our mind tells us every day. I want to fight back against my "not enoughs" and embrace them like I have embraced my hot mess. But here is the thing, and lean in close. My "not enoughs" and your "not enoughs" are meant to be overcome, not embraced.

Yesterday my senior pastor, Craig Groeschel, preached on those not enough moments in our lives, and I loved how he stated it perfectly.

God Loves You Deeply.

Good Values You Highly.

God Provides For You Fully.

God Planned You Carefully.

Those "not enoughs" they can take a backseat. They don't get to be embraced like my hot messes, oh no, those soul crushing things; they get taken out. They do not get to control me or my thoughts any longer.

I am effective enough.
I am smart enough.
I am talented enough.
I am blogger superhero enough.

My life is messy, but it is my embraceable messy. Those "not enoughs" they don't get to be a part of them. They don't get to speak power over my life anymore, and those that keep the lies going don't get to be a part of my life either.

What mess do you have that needs to be embraced? What "not enoughs" do you need to let go of? Be every ounce of your beautiful messy you! Let's sit in the mess together; there might be donuts.

Pick Joy

I'm just so tired. 

So on Monday I lamented about how my sweet, thoughtful, loving, funny, and semi-adorable Middle School Choir students had lost their ever loving minds! Y'all the struggle was so very real. So real I don't think that even the most mentally strong human beings on the planet could handle. 

Then came Tuesday. It was the same. I was like having two Mondays in a row, I'm not about that life. 

Then came Wednesday. Glorious, beautiful Wednesday. Everything just fell into place and my sweet little angels were back. I mean they are still Middle Schoolers, but you get the picture. 

My planner as a little box for some daily inspiration, the quote that day was super profound and awesome. Okay so actually this quote was really on the Thursday page, but it applied more to my Wednesday.

"Today, whatever may annoy, The word for me is Joy, just simple Joy." John Kendrick Bangs.

Y'all (please read this blog in my sweet Arkansas accent) this quote is the bomb! That perfectly describes our life as educators here in the crazy world of Middle School. 

Today, whatever may annoy.....spinners, slime, the dab, JuJu On That Beat, farting, body odor, being "roasted," and all that other crazy crap that Middle Schoolers do...I will pick Joy! 

I will pick Joy when my Men's Choir can't stand still while singing a beautiful ballad and my "basses" sound like lawnmowers because the refuse to sing up. 

I will pick Joy when my Seventh and Eight Grade Women's Choir love each other then hate each other then love each other again. 

I will pick Joy when my Sixth Grade Girl's Choir slides down to their pitches on "fruited plain" in America the Beautiful even though have literally gone over that darn phrase 75,000 times. 

I will pick Joy when my Show Choir's facials and energy level match that of the box of fish sticks I have in the freezer. 

Because I only have just a few more days with these kids. Some of them have been a part of my life for the past three years. I can't think an age group that I love more. Yes, their brains fall out, and they go a little nutty in the month of April. However these kids, my kids, they are my joy in a world full of annoyances. 

Middle School Man

Me throughout the entire month of April. 

Holy Moly Spicy Gucamole...Middle School is rough. As I have had discussions with many different middle school teachers and staff, after Spring Break is a very difficult time in our lives. We love our students, we love them so very much. But oh my stars and garters...what has happened to their brains? Y'all I love my students and I really cannot put into words how much I love them, but oh good gravy. Cabin fever is real. The struggle is real. The cabin fever brought on by state testing struggle is real. If there is another Full Moon between now and the end of the school year, I very well just might lose what very little of my precious sanity I have left.

This has been one of the most interesting years in terms of funny, what it in the world are they thinking things that Middle School Kids have done.

The 2016-2017 School Year: the year of the dab, the bottle flip, the mannquin challenge, Andy's coming, the slime, and the spinners.

Teachers we have survived the snezzing dab, water bottles flying through the air, children freezing in time, yelling out Andy's coming and falling on the ground, the homemade slime craze (seriously a sixth grade girl at my school made 40 bucks selling slime), and the spinners that are supposed to help kids focus, but are now just distractions.

And we taught them stuff at the same time...or at least we tried too.

Stay strong, hold steady, don't die. We can do this!

Where else but Middle School will you find something so wonderful and so crazy at the same time? Middle School is the bomb. Now excuse me, I need to go bang my head against the wall.

100% Real

Sometimes people suck. Sometimes people say mean things. For the love, people say mean, hurtful, and harmful things. Sometimes they don’t mean it, and it just happens, but then sometimes they know exactly what they are saying and what they are doing. As educators, we develop a tough skin to all of the things said about us and said to us, but sometimes we just can’t have a tough skin about some things.

I love my job as a Vocal Music teacher. I love every part of it, and yes, some of it is hard to love, but I do. One of those hard to love areas is when I hear the one comment (in some form or another) every Elective and Fine Arts teacher hates hearing, “You aren’t a real teacher.” I can handle when I hear this from those outside of education, but when I hear it from other educators, I can’t even describe the hurt I feel. Just stop. Please for the love just stop.

I can assure you, what I do in my classroom is 100%. I went to and graduated from a real college. I earned a real degree. I teach at a real school. I teach in a real classroom. I teach real children. I am a real teacher. My classroom and my subject area might not look like your classroom and your subject area, but I do not teach at and in some magic fairyland. It is 100% real.

So many students I have had the opportunity to teach and love come to school not because they love going to math class; they come to school so they can sing, play an instrument, draw and create amazing masterpieces, act in plays, play sports, create computer codes, and learn a new language. For many students who feel they would never be successful in another area of their school career, they are successful in mine. They show up each day knowing no matter what happens in another class or any other circumstance, they can come to my classroom and be so successful. If that isn’t real, I don’t know what is….

This needs to stop. Teachers, we must stop shaming each other and check the egos at the door. It doesn’t help us and certainly doesn’t help our students. We are fighting uphill battles daily and fighting each other shouldn’t be one them. For the love, we need to get it together, before we end up biting ourselves in the butt. Legislatures, this applies to you too. I hope you understand how vital and important Electives, Fine Arts, Humanities, and Athletics are to students and to student engagement and success. However many schools due to the budget cuts that they have to deal with are having to cut and end these incredibly important programs.

So for the love, please pass a budget, and some form of budget reform would be awesome as well so these 100% real classes and real teachers can be protected!

This Is A Joke, Right?

Surely this is a joke, a bad dream, just one big old got ya!

No state government would have ever year after year defund core services such as education, health care, police, and fire. Surely this is a joke, there has to be a punch line somewhere.

Surely this is a joke, no state would ever have 868,000,000 fewer dollars to run their state with, that would never happen. Clearly, this is just one big joke, they are pulling our leg, right?

No. This is not a joke. This is real life, this is our reality. Our state has 868,000,000 MILLION dollars less than what it needs to run the state. That is less money for education, health and human services, public safety, foster care, state parks, and our highways. How many of those things on that list do you depend on? It doesn't seem like a joke right now, does it?

Luckily our state has laws in place from keeping it from going into debt which is great, but still how do we survive this? Let's face it we have to do more with less, which is something we have seemed to have gotten used too.

We are all losers in this game. However, there is an even bigger group of people that lose in this situation, the children of Oklahoma. It is their present and their future that is being robbed from them. How can people be okay with this? How can people lay their heads down at night and not be outraged? I'm outraged, I'm devasted, and I'm heartbroken. Did I mention I was outraged?

In November we had our chance to make lasting change. We had a choice to make. I tell my students all the time that choices have consequences. We are reaping our consequences. I will admit State Question 779, wasn't the best plan for teacher pay raises and for funding education, but it was the only plan on the table. That was voted down for a better plan, a better plan to be made by the legislatures. Guess who we voted back into the office? The same officials that ignored the revenue failures, that ignored properly funding education and other public services, that gave out tax cut after tax cut to oil, gas, and wind energy companies. Elections have consequences, we are living with ours.

School districts across the state are being faced with the impossible, gut-wrenching, painful task of trying to figure out what to cut and still serve students with 12% less of what they are supposed to have. Some of the things on the table: cutting transportation unless it is required by federal law. Cutting Fine Arts and Humanities, and Athletics. Going to four day weeks which many schools have already done. Reducing central level and building level administration positions.  Closing school sites and increasing class sizes. Furlough days: those are days where the district is closed, and no one gets paid.

Is this what kids deserve? Is that what is best for kids? For the love, if you answered yes to those to questions, meet me outside. No! This is not what is best for kids. Kids deserve going to school five days a week, they deserve access to Fine Arts and Humanities and Athletics, they deserve to have the adequate staffing in their buildings, they deserve to learn in the classroom that isn't overcrowded, and their teachers deserve to be paid accordingly.

But by all means...let's try to pass another voucher bill that takes away funding from our already underfunded schools. I don't know about you, but I don't know a school that is flushed with cash.

We need a working budget, and we need revenue, and if you ask me I don't think to increase the taxes at car washes and increasing the taxes on tobacco products is going to get it done. Get down to business and get a plan together! The House Democrats have one in place, House Republicans get out from closed doors, get with your colleagues and make this happen. Just do what you were sent to office to do, serve the people of Oklahoma. You can serve the people by passing a budget that works and generates the revenue stream that we need. There are many that are on the frontline fighting this fight, and I say thank you. Thank you for standing up for our children and for us.

Those children that I am speaking of, they did nothing wrong. They didn't make the poor choices that have gotten us here, but unfortunately, they are carrying the heavy burden. Let me tell you about those kids, they are the kids that sat in my Choir Room with tears streaming down their faces as they sang "America the Beautiful." When I asked them why they were so upset, the response was overwhelming, because America isn't very beautiful right now, and we can't change it. My students are 12, 13, and 14 years old. Those answers are way beyond their years. We have to figure it out for them. They did nothing wrong, and they don't deserve what is happening.

Oklahoma legislature, you have a choice to make, please make the right one. Because this isn't a joke.

Tick Tock

Tick tock goes the clock

And what now shall we play?

Tick tock goes the clock

Now summer's gone away.

Tick tock goes the clock

And what then shall we see?

Tick tock until the day

That thou shall marry me

Tick tock goes the clock

And all the years they fly.

Tick tock goes the clock

You and I must die.

Tick tock goes the clock

We laughed at fate and mourned her

Tick tock goes the clock

Even for the Doctor

Tick tock goes the clock

He cradled her and rocked her

Tick tock goes the clock 

Even for the Doctor

You are creeped out yet?!? Nursery rhythms tend to do that sometimes. I will admit I'm glad my mother never read that nursery rhythm to me. I had my first encounter with this little rhythm on the British TV series Doctor Who. Because of copyright laws, I can't show you any Doctor Who clips. But seriously go watch it. The basic premise of Doctor Who is that the Doctor is a time and space traveling alien called a Time Lord. He travels the universe in search of adventure and tries to save everyone because he once couldn't save everyone. Plus there are beautiful people with British accents!! 

Tick tock goes the clock

April First is coming

Tick tock goes the clock

Even for the Legislature

April 1st the deadline mandated by state law for the Oklahoma Legislature to have a budget for common education in place. The problem is they have only met that deadline once. My friend and fellow #oklaed blogger explained this brilliantly on his blog View from the Edge, seriously go read it! 

Tick tock goes the clock

April First is coming

Tick tock goes the clock

Even for the Legislature

So what have these guys been doing with their time instead of working on a budget? Let's see: there was legislation the would put the Ten Commandments back on the Capitol despite the state voting against it in a State Question in November. They debated for two hours about a law related to bears. They tried to pass voucher legislation, and they spent some time on abortion bills that will be stuck down unconstitutional in a heartbeat. Well, ain't that special. Thank you goes the Democratic caucus that put forth a budget idea! Now, will it get approved? Will the Republicans have one? Will it get finalized by April 1st? 

Tick Tock goes the clock

You're running out of time

Tick tock goes the clock

Not that you cared anyways

What If?

I have made it no secret that this school year has been rough. Between the election, personal and professional struggles, and everything else in between things have been crazy. So many times in these crazy and busy situations I forget to focus on the emotional needs of my students because I am just so consumed with my own thoughts and process. I hate admitting that, I really do. This week my fellow #oklaed blogger and friend Rob Miller reworked one of my favorite posts of his and reshared it for us. I loved how he phrased it as "listening with our eyes" what is so funny is I tell my students that all the time, however, I say that in the context of listening to and learning to read music. How often to I forget to listen with eyes to the needs of my students.

This had me thinking about a piece that I wrote a year ago, oh this world could be full of love.


Kid President is one of my favorite people in the whole wide world. I love watching his videos, I love having my students watch his videos, so basically I just love everything about him.

Yesterday this picture was posted on the Kid President Facebook Page.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. "What if every kid in the world knew they were loved?"

Talk about a heart check.

I know that right now I'm on teacher auto-pilot. It is April, and I'm stressed out. Testing is full swing, I have a concert coming up, a trip to Frontier City, NJHS induction, and all the other usual it is almost the end of school year. I know that we are all experiencing this craziness right now. Somehow I wonder if have forgotten that my students need to know that I love them. That I have become so wrapped up in the day to day things, that I have started to lose sight of why I got into this profession, to begin with. Because I love kids.

How great would the world be if every kid knew they were loved? What about the child that is hungry? What about the child that is abused? What about the child that is abandoned? What about the child that looks like they have the picture perfect life but the picture isn't what it seems? What about the child that is homeless? What about the child with no family? If they knew they were loved, what could they do to change the world?

Kids are fighters, and they are resilient. However, they get stressed out and hurt just like we do. Educators they come to us not only to learn but also to be loved. Right now kids across the country are taking High Stakes Tests. Tests that in no way can ever give the real picture of what a child can do or who that child is. Teachers, you have done what you can to get them ready, you have taught them and gave them your best, but right now they need love. They need to know that you love them. You love them beyond measure. That their enough is more than sufficient. That is the knowledge that they need.

To put this simply, I believe that if every kid in the world knew they were loved, the world would be full of love. So much love.